Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death

Today, I read two online news articles (from reputable sources, not TheOnion.com) that disturbed me. Deeply.

It all began when I read a snippet in Maxim Magazine about an asteroid on a collision course with Earth, due to strike in 2036. Now, Maxim isn’t my idea of an expert in astronomy-related matters, so I consulted Google. Up turned this article:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/space/article/0,14493,1660485,00.html

Basically the article describes how, after a near miss in 2029, we will have a pretty good chance of being hit seven years later (2036) by the same asteroid on the return leg of its orbit around the Sun. This particular asteroid is approximately 390 meters across- about the size of the Rose Bowl.

What does this mean for us? Basically all of the worst parts of the Bible. Tsunami, volcanic chaos, fire raining from the heavens, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

After reading such depressing news, I figured I’d check out some funny links on Fark.com to cheer me up (yeah, I’m easily amused). And so I stumble upon this article:

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2006/virus-battery.html

At first, this sounded like an amazing and useful breakthrough in engineering. Smaller, cheaper, longer lasting batteries for our electronic devices, built by specially “programmed” viruses…wha? Wait…viruses?

These viruses (or virii, if you prefer) work by being programmed to attract cobalt and gold molecules.  These molecules accumulate building a network of wires from these metals, which are extremely efficient conductors of electricity.

So, I ask this- what, exactly keeps these virii from infecting us, spreading quickly across the globe, and gradually turning us into solid metal, covered in a thin layer of flesh? Yeah, I know- I have seen far too many movies. But it does make you think bad things, right?

Between those two things, we are looking at 32 years or less left on Earth as we know it, unless we can come up with some kind of plan to divert the aforementioned asteroid that doesn’t sound like the plot of ‘Armageddon.’ That is also if we are responsible in controlling these special viruses, keeping them safely contained in a laboratory vault somewhere.

God help us all. Or, maybe I’m just being paranoid. I suppose time will tell.

OK, I thought of something

The other day, I was talking to this high-school girl I work with, and she was talking about wanting to do an “Eiffel Tower.”

First off, whenever I talk to this girl, I feel like Dateline NBC is going to pop around the corner and be all like, “Hey, pervert, we caught you!” because she’s always saying crap like that and she’s only like 15 or something.

Secondly, what the hell is an “Eiffel Tower,” other than a gigantic metal phallus in the middle of Paris? Yeah, I Googled it, and now I get it (for those of you who, like me, apparently aren’t up with the vernacular of our little ones, it’s when one guy is in front and the other is in the back, and they ‘high 5′ over the girl forming what looks like the Eiffel Tower with their hands).

Isn’t that called “fingercuffs?”

Or maybe I just watch far too many Kevin Smith movies.