The prodigal son…

By now, you must have realized that I am a lazy bastard. How long has it been now? A few months, right? Anyways, for me it seems like years to me. But, a lot has happened to me since the last time I posted on here.

Most of my time has been taken up by my new position. No, I’m not talking about something from the Kama Sutra (which I am sure comes as a great surprise to those of you who know me, because I’m alway bringing it up in conversation. But, how else are you supposed to turn scissors and butterflies into something dirty?). I’m talking about my promotion.

Up until 3 weeks ago, I held the position of “Grill Cook” at the restaurant I work at- essentially the same job that Spongebob Squarepants rocks at the Krusty Krab. However, due to the advent of our General Manager’s resignation, I was able to talk my way into a shot at greatness. Somehow, despite my every effort to be universally known as the resident jackass at the restaurant, I was able to convince the owners that I should be a manager.

Yes, the job comes with a great deal of responsibility. And by responsibility I mean money. Holy crap am I getting paid. And I mean P.A.I.D., you know? I almost feel dirty making so much, like I had to strip for it or something (which I wouldn’t necessarily be against, considering I have been known to show my titties at the bar for no other reason than my egotistic insistence that they are the most glorious man-boobs owned by someone who rarely works out).

Really, though, this promotion isn’t all that surprising to me. I have the schooling (Associate”s degrees in Culinary Arts and Nutrition, as well as certification as a Chef). I have the experience (managed a 450 seat restaurant in Pittsburgh, managed a Blockbuster, nearly 13 years in various restaurants, etc.). I just feel a bit odd having spent my entire life fighting “The Man” and now I am “The Man.” I feel a Fight-Club-esque (or Liar-Liar-esque, if you will) self ass-kicking coming on.

All joking aside, I am seriously fucking tired though. I am working something like 900 hours a week and it seems like I get 74 to the power of googleplex phonecalls a day… it’s a good thing I like talking as much as I do. As a result of my fatigue, I have limited my online activity to visiting collegehumor.com, fark.com, checking my bank activity and cellphone usage, and checking my emails every 30 seconds. I would apologize for not posting here more except I am pretty sure that I am one of like 6 people who even know this blog exists. Yay for obscurity.

Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death

Today, I read two online news articles (from reputable sources, not TheOnion.com) that disturbed me. Deeply.

It all began when I read a snippet in Maxim Magazine about an asteroid on a collision course with Earth, due to strike in 2036. Now, Maxim isn’t my idea of an expert in astronomy-related matters, so I consulted Google. Up turned this article:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/space/article/0,14493,1660485,00.html

Basically the article describes how, after a near miss in 2029, we will have a pretty good chance of being hit seven years later (2036) by the same asteroid on the return leg of its orbit around the Sun. This particular asteroid is approximately 390 meters across- about the size of the Rose Bowl.

What does this mean for us? Basically all of the worst parts of the Bible. Tsunami, volcanic chaos, fire raining from the heavens, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

After reading such depressing news, I figured I’d check out some funny links on Fark.com to cheer me up (yeah, I’m easily amused). And so I stumble upon this article:

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2006/virus-battery.html

At first, this sounded like an amazing and useful breakthrough in engineering. Smaller, cheaper, longer lasting batteries for our electronic devices, built by specially “programmed” viruses…wha? Wait…viruses?

These viruses (or virii, if you prefer) work by being programmed to attract cobalt and gold molecules.  These molecules accumulate building a network of wires from these metals, which are extremely efficient conductors of electricity.

So, I ask this- what, exactly keeps these virii from infecting us, spreading quickly across the globe, and gradually turning us into solid metal, covered in a thin layer of flesh? Yeah, I know- I have seen far too many movies. But it does make you think bad things, right?

Between those two things, we are looking at 32 years or less left on Earth as we know it, unless we can come up with some kind of plan to divert the aforementioned asteroid that doesn’t sound like the plot of ‘Armageddon.’ That is also if we are responsible in controlling these special viruses, keeping them safely contained in a laboratory vault somewhere.

God help us all. Or, maybe I’m just being paranoid. I suppose time will tell.

Restaurant Practical Jokes #2

This is one that can be performed by employees and customers alike:

For this prank, you will need at least two salt shakers, a pepper shaker, and a paper napkin. The shakers have to be the type with screw-on lids, and it helps the prank if the shakers are almost full to the top.

Unscrew the lids off all the salt and pepper shakers. Next, take the napkin and tear off two small squares, roughly twice the diameter of the openings on the aforementioned shakers.

Place one of the napkin squares over the first salt shaker’s opening, poking it down a bit with your finger (forming a bit of a reservoir). Be careful not to poke down past the threaded part of the shaker’s neck-the reason for this is explained at the end. Then, pour pepper into the hollow of the napkin and replace the lid. Finally, carefully screw the lid back on and rip off any excess napkin sticking out from beneath the shaker’s lid (so that it looks untouched).

Repeat the process with the pepper shaker, except this time pour salt into the napkin’s hollow before replacing the lid.

When the next person goes to use the shakers, salt will pour out of the pepper shaker, and vice versa. The unsuspecting mark won’t see the napkin inside because it will be hidden by the bottom portion of the screw-on lid.

Most people haven’t encountered this one, and may think they are losing their grip on reality. The only unfortunate part of this prank is that, if you are a customer and not an employee, you probably won’t get to see the results of your work. However, this is a small price to pay for the smiting of random strangers.

Talladega Nights (The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby) : Movie Review

I will start off by saying this: I think NASCAR is boring. If I wanted to see a bunch of cars whiz by, I would sit by the freeway. At least people get pulled over on the freeway, and instead of the same 40-odd cars going in circles for hours I could see maybe four thousand. If you’re actually one of those lucky few who have no idea what I’m talking about because you’ve never watched a NASCAR race, I’m going to spoil it for you: The cars turn left.

Now, as you may have gathered from reading my previous posts here, I think a lot of things are stupid. Far be it from me to let my prejudices against, well, almost everything keep me from commenting on a movie. Especially one starring Will Ferrell, Sasha Baron Cohen, John C. Reilly, Gary Cole, and Michael Clarke Duncan. Besides-this movie wins bonus points with me because it actually makes fun of NASCAR.

So, anyways, this major motion picture starts with the birth of our folk hero, Ricky Bobby. It shows he was born in a speeding car, which in movieland translates to a love of speeding cars. Yeah, well, I was born during a flood that prevented anyone from entering or leaving the hospital for 3 days, but I don’t have a yearning to build an ark…It seems we depart from reality early on in this flick.

Skip ahead to Ricky in elementary school…Father has been a no-show until this one fateful day when he shows up for “career day,” drops the advice of “You’re either first or last,” and subsequently gets kicked out of the school for imploring the students to ignore their superiors who “only want you to go slow.” This is what, in the movie industry, we call “foreshadowing.” This advice, as well as his father’s mischievousness and abandonment are the defining motifs in his life as we watch it unfold.

The remainder (and the majority) of the movie takes place with Ricky Bobby as an adult, and focuses on his meteoric rise to the top of the NASCAR circuit, the formation of his racing team, and his marriage before the plot, as it often does, thickens.

Enter Sasha Baron Cohen, playing a gay Formula 1 driver who has, for reasons to be revealed later, decided to enter the NASCAR racing world and challenge Ricky’s title as the ‘King Of Racing.’ At this point, to go on would ruin the rest for you, but if you don’t feel sickened by the VERY loose threads by which the premise of the movie hangs (or by gratuitous displays of gay affection for the sake of comedy), you’ll enjoy the nearly endless string of one-liners and set-up jokes to follow.

As with Ferrell’s ‘Anchorman‘, the story isn’t wholly important to the movie except in that it provides the situations to set up opportunities for the stellar cast to improv some seriously funny shit. All of the aforementioned actors steal scenes from one another, and by the end you don’t end up really caring much about what happens in the progression of the plot or why. It’s all about the jokes in this one, and for that I will say this is a must-see. However, this is a movie that will be remembered best for its quotables that you can spout at the water cooler or while playing beer-pong or whatever, not for the brilliant character development or cinematography.

Buy or no buy (I downloaded this but may eventually buy it…we’ll wait and see), I had a good time watching it and will probably revisit it soon. Of course, I also thought ‘Zoolander‘ was a work of genius…so, let that be your yardstick of my cinematic judgement.

Video Store Practical Jokes #1

One of my favorite practical jokes when I worked at Blockbuster is one of the easiest to perpetrate. It is also one of the funniest, because (at least at Blockbuster) employees are trained to be totally nonconfrontational.

Take one of the “security stickers” from a new or used video, and use your ninja skills to place it upon the person of one of the other customers. The best places are in a coat pocket, or a bag, but due to their stickiness it is also quite easy to place one in a person’s hair or on their back.

Sit back and watch the show as they repeatedly set off the alarms on their way out of the video store, and see their reaction and the way the store clerks handle the “situation.” In the Blockbuster ‘Loss Prevention’ training video, employees are instructed to ask things like, “May I check your purchases out at the counter?” and “Can I help you put that video back where it goes?” The best is when an employee gets frustrated and goes off script.

Bonus points if anyone mentions calling the police.

Ant Bully: Movie Review

I am probably not the most unbiased person to review a CGI animated film, as I harbor a bit of disdain for movie studios’ decision to abandon the 2D medium in the name of progress. I preferred it when a 3D movie was a special treat, not the standard, but seeing as the world has moved on I suppose I have to move with it or be left behind.

Format aside, this movie follows the basic animation formula of late, e.g. “Big studio hires big name actors to voice characters, and hopes for the names to propel the movie into the top 10 on opening weekend.” ‘The Ant Bully’ is based upon a childrens’ book of the same name, but if not for its literary roots I would have pegged this as a blatant ripoff of other CGI insect movies like ‘A Bug’s Life‘,  and ‘Antz.’ Except for the fact that actors like Nic Cage, Julia Roberts, and Bruce Campbell lend their personas to the characters in this film I found not much to distinguish it from the other slew of ‘cutesy’ kids’ movies of the year.

Of course, there is the ever-present “lesson” the movie is supposed to teach us, which is that we should think of others rather than only thinking of our own wants and needs. What ever happened to being able to watch a kids’ movie without having an important life lesson shoved down our throats? I don’t recall learning anything from ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?’ except maybe that even a dorky rabbit can score with a hot chick once in a while. If I wanted to be preached at I’d go to church more often.

All in all, I suppose a child would like this movie a great deal. However, I am no longer a 6-year old (even if I’m hung like one), so I was left feeling cheated out of an hour and a half of my life by this flick. The only reason I’m keeping the DVD around is because it actually has a couple of funny extras on it, including a virtual, looping ant farm which you can leave playing on your TV indefinitely. Now that I mention it, I’d have rather watched that for 90 minutes than the actual movie…

Restaurant Practical Jokes #1

If you work in a restaurant, I assume you know of someone you work with who would fall for the following:

Tell this person that it is the day to empty the hot water reservoir on the coffee machine. Tell them to use a 5 gallon bucket, and that it might take a few times of emptying it…

Bonus points if they are still doing it after 3o minutes pass.

Hizzle Nizzle Yizzle!

Happy 2007, and shit like that.

God that makes me feel old…

I mean, Happy 1996!

That’s better.

Totally 80′s Trivial Pursuit

Waaaaayyy harder than I thought it would be.

Damn.

OK, I thought of something

The other day, I was talking to this high-school girl I work with, and she was talking about wanting to do an “Eiffel Tower.”

First off, whenever I talk to this girl, I feel like Dateline NBC is going to pop around the corner and be all like, “Hey, pervert, we caught you!” because she’s always saying crap like that and she’s only like 15 or something.

Secondly, what the hell is an “Eiffel Tower,” other than a gigantic metal phallus in the middle of Paris? Yeah, I Googled it, and now I get it (for those of you who, like me, apparently aren’t up with the vernacular of our little ones, it’s when one guy is in front and the other is in the back, and they ‘high 5′ over the girl forming what looks like the Eiffel Tower with their hands).

Isn’t that called “fingercuffs?”

Or maybe I just watch far too many Kevin Smith movies.